Twas the Night Before Atkins
Not a bad carb could be found, not by woman or man.
The celery was placed under pillows with care,
In hopes that the whoosh Fairy soon would be there.
The dieters were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of thin bottoms danced in their heads.
As I looked in the mirror, and jumped on the scale,
I was morbidly fluffy, this much I could tell.
When down in the kitchen there rose such a clatter,
I sprang down the stairs to see what was the matter.
Away through the house I flew like a flash,
My belly did jiggle and so did my ass.
Through moon beams and night-light the kitchen aglow,
I caught sight of a creature, so odd I did know.
A tiny little Pixie, wings all a flutter,
She replaced all my margarine with rich creamy butter.
So lovely was she, so jolly and merry,
I knew in a moment, it must be Whoosh Fairy.
More rapid than eagles, in her bag she did shove,
All the junk food that I dearly loved.
She took Doritos and Cheetos, and Kit Kats by two,
Goodbye Little Debbie's, and
So long pasta and bread sticks, and pizza galore,
She filled up her bag till there wasn't no more.
Empty was the fridge and the shelves on the wall,
Now gone away! Gone away! Gone away all!
As I drew back my head and was turning around,
Out from the kitchen, did whoosh fairy bound.
In a very loud voice, I heard her exclaim,
"I know there is more—more of the same!"
She looked through the drawers like a burglar for cash,
It wasn't too long before she had my stash.
With a turn of her head she caught sight of me,
I wanted to run, I wanted to flee.
But a wink of her eye and a nod of her head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
She spoke not a word, but went straight back to work,
As she scooped up my soda, I felt like a jerk.
She was working so hard on my bodies behalf,
I could do nothing, but let out a laugh.
With a flick of her wand and a shake of her rear,
What to my wondrous eyes did appear;
The fridge that was empty and the shelves that were bare,
Now contained food that was wondrous and fare.
There was beef and there was poultry, and fish from the sea,
And salami and ham, and five types of cheese.
There were brussels and broccoli, and cauliflower too,
So many veggies, I thought I'd turn blue.
As I stepped a closer, to get a better look,
I could see on the table she had conjured a book.
It was written by Atkins this much I could see,
I knew right away that this tome was for me.
It said follow the plan and follow your heart,
Inductions the place you want to start.
Follow each phase and do all the courses,
On the Atkins plan, you'll eat like ten horses.
Her work was all done; food bulged in her sack,
She gave me a promise she soon would be back.
"A pound I will take, maybe two pounds or three,
You will be thin, in no time you'll see."
Her eyes how they twinkled! Her dimples how merry!
Her cheeks were like roses, her nose like a cherry!
Her cute little mouth was drawn up in a smile:
She said, "I must leave now—at least for a while."
And giving a nod, up the chimney she rose:
Up and away did the whoosh fairy go.
The flapping of her wings made aloud whistle,
Away she did fly like the down of a thistle.
But I heard her exclaim as she flew out of sight,
"Many whooshes to all—and to all a good diet."